How to "seduce" your SO

It seems like people in long-term relationships, and especially married people, frequently complain that their sex life isn't as busy as it was way back when they first met, and in the case of married people, before they got married. Here are my suggestions for how to get your special someone so riled up that they simply can't resist you:

1. Do random little nice things for them. This will make them like you and think kindly of you. It's entirely possible that they'll stop leaving the room when you enter, giving you more seduction opportunities. They may even start reciprocating and doing nice things for you, and then you might start to like them more as well.

2. Treat them with respect and support their ambitions. This will make them feel good about themselves. How does that work to your advantage? Well, people are more likely to feel sexy when they are confident and happy with themselves, and remembering that you're to thank for this new-found self-esteem will make them that much more susceptible to your charms.

3. Make sure your personal hygiene and general physical appearance are comparable to what they were when you two first met. I know, I know, why should you make an effort when you've already got a stable thing going? First, this will make you feel more confident, and make you more likely to close the deal with aplomb. Second, despite loving all of your imperfections and being used to your slovenly state after so long together, even an indifferent mate is going to notice an extra 150 lbs and gingivitis. Go hit the gym and get that cute butt back.

4. Pick your sexy moments with care. Birthdays and anniversaries are a good time to ramp up your seduction (see steps 1-3). Some bad times to move in for the coup de gras include any time your SO is exhausted after a long day, more than 36 hours after you last had a shower, any time you're in public or at a relative's/friend's house (unless they were into that kind of thing back when you were having sex regularly), and whenever they are annoyed with you because of something you did. This last part is especially tricky, since you may or may not have any way of knowing when your mate is irritated with you (depending on how prone they are to throwing household objects). Hopefully, steps 1 and 2 above should make these moments less frequent and of a lesser duration. If you are truly diligent with your seduction, especially with step 3, sexy moments will eventually begin to present themselves naturally when your SO approaches you for sex. Do your utmost to encourage these occurrences.

5. Lastly, once you've followed the other steps and your special someone is raring to go, make sure you beef up your bedroom skills and bring your A-game to the tussle. Everyone loves good sex (yes, even your asexual SO) so they'll be back for more if they like what they got the first time.

What about all of the classic approaches that involve getting them drunk, doing it when they're asleep, or conning them with expensive presents? These approaches can certainly work, but only occasionally and with mixed effectiveness. They are, in particular, either costly or borderline illegal. My approach promises consistent results and will actually work better the longer you employ these techniques. They will even make you less likely to be on the receiving end of legal action from your partner.

Enjoy your seduction!